If you’re anything like me, you probably uttered a great big “WTF?!” when the announcement that Barack Obama received the Nobel Peace Prize came up on your solid gold 300 inch plasma screen. Then you probably turned to your Friday Butler Jarvis and expanded on the thought, that despite his pearly white smile and eyes so deep you shouldn’t gaze into them without a life jacket, Obama didn’t really do anything to earn such a prestigious award. But just then Jarvis pointed out how utterly wrong I was in my assertion. So now, in Jarvis’s memory after a tragic accident where he threw himself out the window shortly after correcting me, I present to you the ultimate reasons as to why Obama deserves no less than 3 Nobels.

First off, what would you say is keeping Russia from invading America at any and all time? Logic? Diplomacy? Chuck Norris? Wrong, wrong, a million times wrong. Just as you never dared to act out on your deeply hidden urge to murder stray cats because you knew your next door ex-Marine neighbor was always watching, such did Russia never invade us because Sarah Palin was keeping her eyes on it. Think about it. As governor of Alaska, Palin was basically the crazy North Redneck neighbor to the crazy Russia just miles off the coast of her beloved state. With her trusted rifle and moose waiting in the garage to be used at any sight of provocation Russia has kept its dirty mitts off of our majestic coasts and not ONCE dared to show any aggression towards the US since Sarah took over Alaska. Coincidence? I think not.

And what exactly would happen if Barack Obama did not use his secret Kenyan sorcery to secure his spot as the president of the USA? McCain would be president, dead due to oldness seconds after taking over the Oval Office and Palin would have been president… Far away from Alaska, where she has kept a solitary vigil for all these years. It’s logical to assume this absence of America’s protector would give Russia the balls to start an all out war with us. So the next time you are not having your face melt off or dying from radiation poisoning, thank Obama for that, for keeping Palin where she can do the most good.

But all of this pales in comparison to Barack’s true achievement. Other than Russia, illegal immigrants and Megan’s Law, what is the biggest threat to the American way of life, the one enemy who has observed us for thousands of years, plotting to attack the instant we drop our guard, utterly underestimating us? The fucking Moon. Which as of earlier this month, has been bombed the fucked out of by NASA.

I am of the opinion that the Moon is our biggest enemy, not only as Americans, but as Human Beings. It’s not that every time I crawl back home at night after an evening of friendly drinks down at the local dive hole, the fucking jerk is sitting up there, looking at and judging me, the prick… The thing is also a giant liability ready to crush into us at any time and the tides? Dear God, do I have to mention the tides and the countless lives they have taken, over the years? Of course the Moon is not officially part of Earth so it felt safe quietly assassinating drunk swimmers for years cause of his diplomatic immunity and no one dared to do anything about it. Until Obama came along. What other president can claim that during His candidacy did we finally have the balls to bomb the moon? Not one.

And thus… the Moon knows not to fuck with us. The countless lives that were saved thanks to this are counted by the millions. We thank you president Obama.

Tagged with: Nobel • Obama • Palin

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This entry was posted on Sunday, October 18th, 2009 at 3:25 pm and is filed under Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.