In the summer of 2004 my younger brother found my porn folder. On my password protected computer, hidden inside a 5 layer folder tree in the WINDOWS directory, labeled “Drivers”. Crafty little bastard ain’t he? Not that it matters because a) I can now look back on this and laugh and b) they will never find his body. But this experience did not teach me to be less ashamed of my porno or to learn to hide it better. There is a part of the story I did not tell you. When my brother found my digital porno stash, he thought it was a joke, a decoy I supposedly set up for whatever nefarious reason I had. You see, my porn was compromised mainly of chubby chicks.

This illustrates the problem I have with people, one of many I assure you. There is a very vocal, yet from what I can tell relatively small, group of dickwads who find it impossible to believe that a man can find a chubby chick roughly 1 swiftilion times hotter than the generic porn skank they perceive as “fit”. I am here to shed some light on the situation, offering insight into the mind of a man who finds thicker woman beautiful.

For starters, let us define a chubby chick. I definitely am not a lover of the BBW type ladies; though do not wish them harm. Fat chicks, BBW and chubbies are a whole different breed, each with its own fan base and designated porn sites (and feeding habits). We can spend all day trying to define what constitutes as chubby or how it differs from fat but for brevity’s sake let’s focus on one simple definition: if you can lift her, she’s still not fat. With that in mind, let us proceed.

In reality the entire spectrum of chubby is very wide. There are various degrees of it, ranging from ladies you still might find in typical porno mags to basically BBW. However there is a very easy way to visually spot a buxom vixen: she has real ass and boobs. In today’s modern culture we do put a great big deal of importance on breasts, and for good reason. They’re soft, they’re round and they’re great for getting fingerprints off CDs. But in order for a pair of sweater puppies to have actual allure you need proportions.

Proportions are the most elemental part of physical attraction. Actual scientific studies have shown that men show interest in certain hip or breast sizes only when an appropriate waist size is involved. In short, if you look like a broom handle with 2 basketballs taped to it, you are not causing a lot or erections in my pants.

I am sure that many of you can relate. Just how unappetizing is a skinny girl with giant melons? It looks unnatural and downright freaky. Breasts and foremost ass are nothing more than stored fat. When you create the illusion that you have what it takes to survive the harsh winters of your man’s cave as indicated by your T&A, yet sport the stomach, legs and arms of an Ethiopian model, then fuck, something definitely isn’t right with this picture. Now THIS pictures on the other hand:

Yummy.

While I am at it, the entire obsession with breasts is the best evidence that most men crave chubbier chicks. In nature you do not get big gazzangas without appropriately distributed fat. We like them Jugs because we associate them with more body fat which back then translated to a bigger chance of survival, nourishing our offspring and free bongo drums.

It would be easy for me to blame this all on the fashion industry. And so I will. One of the many arguments I head concerning my supposedly weird obsession with plumper ladies is that “the majority agree that skinny is sexy”, as “evidenced” by the runway models which are “universally” praised as attractive, you “strange” fellow you. It’s completely bullshit. There of course are people attracted solely to skinny women, I get and respect that and promise to resort simply to threatening letters in your case, but today’s mass media, the fashion industry in particular, do not reflect the tastes of the majority. Such an industry exists solely because enough people with enough disposable income are willing to create it. If you get 100 000 people to create an industry which caters to lobster escort services, you will create a new thriving public sector. It will not reflect the tastes of the majority however, no matter how many millions “cLUSTacious Inc.” will bring in every year.

Anyway, back to the chubbies:

For me, the most perfect part of any buxom lady is the ass. Oh I can spend literally weeks talking about the Ass. I love it, have written about it, have talked about it and will continue living with those principles till the day I die. Unfortunately, the ass is not so respected in our society. I still praise The Almighty Waffle Iron for the idea of “Ghetto Booty” which creates the market for ass lovers such as myself, but outside the porn business, what is one to do?

Women are afraid to let their asses grow. Are there “Ass Augmentation Procedures”? No. There however are instructional videos, magazines and entire cults centered around taming your ass. For God’s sake, WHY?! The Ass is the most beautiful part of any woman, not just the chubbier ones. It is what almost every animal we evolved from looked at while it performed the Angry Rodeo Clown on our great- great-grandmothers (for an article on innovative sexual positions you might not have heard of, tune in next week). The love of ass is engraved into our souls. I am willing to go as far as to say “What’s so great about boobs anyway?”.

All of that, the wonderfulness of breasts, the spark of the divine in the ass, all of that is in high supply with chubby girls. And guys, here is the best part: usually low self esteem, so they might actually want to sleep with you. Go get ‘em.

Tagged with: ass • chubby

Recent Entries

• 2 Horribly Unearned National Reputations
• The 3 Types of Cockblockers
• “Life’s dick up your bum”, chapter 1
• How to get rid of crime altogether
• 3 Things to Look Forward To As You Get Older
• The 3 types of pedestrians that can go to Hell
• Is She-male porn weird?
• Jesus Bear Christ
• Lucedio Abbey
• A painful lesson in the art of abbreviation

This entry was posted on Monday, August 17th, 2009 at 12:09 pm and is filed under General Twaddlepiss. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.