Today we feature another guest article. This one is  from Joe Della Bella, a fellow Cracked.com writer who goes by the nickname JDXBlitz. Try to guess what the JDX stands for. Here is a hint: it’s an ethnic slur.

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If you have ever played a Mario game in your life, you know that the Mushroom Kingdom is full of creatures big and small that want to wreck havoc on poor little Mario. Little did you know that their real-life counterparts are eager to do the same to you.

5. Cheep-Cheep aka Red-Bellied Piranha

Enter any water level in the Mario world and chances are you will run into these guys. Although Cheep-Cheeps come in all shapes and sizes, one thing is for certain… They will drive you fucking crazy. Sure they look innocent with those big beady eyes and that “Who, me?” look on their face, but don’t let these guys fool you. They are the fast-swimming, water-hopping, flesh-eating assholes of the Mushroom Kingdom.

The Real-Deal

Deep within the Amazon River Basin lives the Cheep-Cheeps evil counterpart, the Red-Bellied Piranha.

Considered one of the most ferocious fresh-water fish in the world, the Red-Bellied Piranha will go to great lengths to feed on its prey, jumping clear out of the water during one of its feeding frenzies. Basically this:

Like Cheep-Cheeps, Red-Bellied Piranhas usually travel in packs, so you’ll never meet just one. If you do, we suggest getting the fuck out of there because his buddies aren’t far behind. Watch here as an innocent mouse is ripped to shreds within a few seconds: Warning: Not for PETA members.

Although these monsters usually eat other fish and insects, they are definitely not above feasting the occasional anaconda, terrestrial mammal, or Italian plumber.

4. Wiggler aka Puss Caterpillar

Ah, the Wiggler. The happy-go-lucky, adorable little creature that roams the forest of Super Mario World presumably growing flowers with a kiss and carrying lost babies to safety. Yes, this creature is lovely and cute on the outside…that is until you piss it off…

If this kid shits on me ONE. MORE. FUCKING. TIME!

Get this guy mad and you are shit out of luck. One jump on the head and you could be staring down a red-skinned, charging, mean-faced caterpillar with no respect for you or any living thing around it. Thank God you still have that Yoshi from a few levels back.

The Real Deal

Meet… the Puss Caterpillar

Look at that little guy. It’s just ASKING to be cuddled! It looks the most adorable miniature guinea pig you’ve ever seen for God’s sake. Well, once you get past the 20 legs anyway. Don’t you just want to pet it?

That answer is NO. You do not want to pet this fucking thing. The puss caterpillar, usually found in the southern US, Mexico, and parts of Central America, is one of the most dangerous and adorable caterpillars out there. The hairy bristles on it’s back contain a large amount of venom, and when touched, this caterpillar becomes agitated and can give you an excruciatingly painful sting that can last over 5 days. The sting starts attacking your lymph nodes, giving you pain in your arm pits and groin, and can eventually move to your chest. Better make sure you stock up on lives… and painkillers.

3. Piranha Plant aka Pitcher Plant

The pipe-crawling monster from the original Mario games and beyond can attack at any moment… and by attack we mean move up or down randomly.

Shit should I jump now? …How about now? Fuck, no… now?

2. Spiny aka Alligator Snapping Turtle

Fuck the levels where these guys show up. Seriously, fuck them. Spinys are thrown at an unsuspecting Mario by the Likitus, Koopa’s gay and nerdy half-brother.

Yeah, we’re talking about you asshole.

One touch on the ass from these guys and you are in a world of pain. Find yourself coming face to face with this guy and you can expect to kiss at least 3 of your lives goodbye.

The Real Deal

Although not thrown from the sky, the Spinys evil cousin, the Alligator Snapping Turtle, can still do some damage. Not to mention he already looks like a fucking jerk.

Heyyyy fuck you buddy!

Unlike the common snapping turtle, the AST can be recognised by the three rows of razor sharp spikes on the top of its shell. Ok so maybe not so “razor” sharp, but you still don’t want to get in a fight with this guy. Mike Rowe doesn’t stand a chance:

1. Blooper aka Humboldt Squid

Bloopers are another one of the most frequent water-world enemies that can do some serious Mario-killing. They have also been the cause of many broken controllers. When you run into one of these guys, calmly swim underneath it, and then get the fuck out of there.

The Real Deal

One of the most ferocious carnivorous squids in the Pacific Ocean, the Humboldt Squid is known for its aggressive nature and speed.

Much like the Blooper, the Humpoldt Squid’s diamond shaped fins on the the top of its head helps it propel through the water. In seconds, the squid can reach out its teeth-ridden tentacles and grab its prey, pulling it towards the sharp parrot-like beak that can easily rip you a new asshole. These squids generally live in deep water, but have been known to attack divers and fisherman in the Sea of Cortez.

Think that’s not terrifying enough? During a feeding frenzy, the Humboldt Squid gets so worked up that a lot of them have been seen to eat the more vulnerable, weak squids or their own shoal. Furiously aggressive, carnivorous, cannibalistic squids? Mario doesn’t stand a fucking chance.

Tagged with: Mario

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