No one knows when inspiration will strike and what shape will it take. It might be over dinner or on your way to work when you suddenly think of that shoe with a mini fridge built into it, and there is nothing wrong with devising the cure for cancer while strangling a prostitute pregnant with your bastard spawn. There are however people to which I can point at and claim the influence of Satan in their work. Like the guys behind these cheerful living room additions:

7. The Woolly Chair

Designed by Jason Miller, the Woolly Chair raises a lot of interesting question about the nature of artistic vs practical design but the one I am currently pondering is… what the hell is that thing used for the furry cover and how can we kill it in the most painful way possible? I refuse to believe the above abomination is a product of the human mind. I chose to believe it came from some remote corner of the Moon, lured to Earth with promises of virgin sacrifices, hit over the head by Miller, skinned and turned into that… just sitting there… looking at you…

6. Frog Humping Table

There is nothing inherently wrong with animal designs on wooden furnitures but I dare you to come up with a thought process which results in a giant half silver frog humping the table with a pedophile expression on its face. Look at it, this is the face that basically says “No use fighting it kid, this thing is going down whether you like it or not. And by “it”, I mean my frog dick”. No doubt a great addition to the family living room where your little children eat their meals. And at the very least, a wonderful conversation starter: “What an amazing coincidence, I TOO am a dangerously unbalances weirdo!”.

5. Daddy Long Legs

Designed by Straight Line Inc., the Daddy Long Legs drawers are what you would expect from a Tim Burton movie about a plague rat falling in love with an old painting or something. There is something eerie about this particular set of furniture, probably connected to the fact it’s inspired and named after a fucking spider, known to the world for their cuddlyness and general pleasant appearance. If your first reaction after seeing the picture was fear that the damn furniture will come alive and eat you, congratulations, you still have a soul.

4. Cowch

You know what most modern houses lack? Cows. Not like the good old days when the livestock shared not only your saloon but also your kitchen, toilet and bed, which coincidentally were all located in the same room. And now, Helga’s Sanctuary wants to help you bring the past alive in furniture form. The pun mistress Helga runs a cow sanctuary and designs these big floor pillows which you can get in 3-8 foot sizes for a small small price of 300-800$. But don’t worry, she won’t spend any of it on booze, drugs or needy children, no, the profits all go to the real cows in Helga’s Sanctuary, so please, let the cows play some X-Box by purchasing a cowch.

3. The Walking Table

I don’t care what this is supposed to be and what marvelous technological advances it has installed, I am fairly against my furniture being able to walk, more even if they end up looking like a giant wooden spider in the process, because I think I already spoke my piece on spiders.

Some say it is important to recycle, you know, save our planet and all that, but whether you believe recycling is beneficial or not we can all agree some things just should not be reused no matter how many gallons of plutonium were needed to make it in the first place. I would hope such a thing would include used coffins. Used coffins that some people turn into furniture.
Now, granted, the coffins never actually held a dead body (for all we know) and are simply somehow damaged caskets which were removed from sale. Still, when the Zombie Apocalypse starts the houses with the coffin couches will look like Motels with and All You Can Eat Buffet through the eyes of the undead legions.

Call a priest! Kill it with fire! Bathe it in Holy Water! Just for the love of Jesus’s Dreadlocks, get that thing away from me!

Tagged with: furniture

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